Tina Jaxen

When I say I don’t have any friends... I mean like, IRL friends I could see very often if I wanted to. But I do have quite a few friends over the internet I got in contact with slowly over the years. I think it is really cool and it feels very nice to always have people there that look at your stuff and they look at yours but after a while you get really sad thinking about how some friendships that you would want to have aren’t really obtainable or reachable at the very moment. 

 

It is just that I live at home now and home is this new place me and my parents moved to and it was just supposed to be this middle landing for me in a way when the pandemic hit. I thought the craziness would cool off and I could move back but to a new and better student dorm... but then... I never did. I didn’t want to and one of the reasons was that I did not get much of a social life the first year because my class was not the greatest and I just ended up at a dorm that wasn’t the best either. Except the few people that I was neighbors with. That was great.

 

But circumstances can really mess things up. It doesn’t matter who you are or how you feel about yourself you could still end up in the sidelines of things. You could get so lost easily in life and I am not lost with who I am, what I like or what I want. But socially... it is so empty right now...

 

I have people I can talk to, but it is not much and I am not good at reaching out and knowing what to say in the first place. I am not good at maintaing friendships or knowing what to do socially for things to work.

 

I love people. But I adore solitude.

I love going busy places and seeing a city and getting many impulses.

But I also hate that...

 

I love love love people and I love socializing. I love having friends all ages, from all places and with all different kinds of backgrounds. I adore meeting people from all around the world but sometimes I wish I had someone I lived with or that lived nearby that I could talk to or hang out with often and text often and watch movies with or something. I don’t think I have had that in years and I don’t think I have ever had a best friend either. That leaves me with a certain emptiness and a certain void that I know I can fill and I know I will find people but my current position is not easy because I still have to finish this degree and I cannot just jump into a new job yet or move somewhere because I am still tied to uni you know...

 

I just don’t know how to find the people I want to find because I don’t think I have even met them or know that they exist.